My English Journey

I don’t really care anymore.

There’s gotta be more to life than just this.

I’m that girl who comes into your life and turns it upside down.

Played 27 times [Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

I haven’t posted any of my music-related ventures on here in a while, but here goes.

This is an acoustic cover of Katy Perry’s The One That Got Away. I performed this with a good friend on December 20th, 2011 at the Wicklow Pub in Vancouver; about half a year after the last gig I did, and I swore my sweet life that I would get back to doing music.

I messed up on the second verse, and I wasn’t pitch-perfect, but I did blush a little when the waitress working that night complimented me on my performance.

This gig was something close to my heart. It was the first gig I’d played with that same friend after 2 years of not playing with each other. The audience were my close friends. It was typical Vancouver weather. It was perfect.

I miss performing so much. I constantly tell myself that I want to be a singer because I’m no good at anything else, and even at this I’m not anything special at. But truly, this is where my heart lies.

I finally heard myself.

I was looking through my Facebook photos, and thinking of my life recently… and all of a sudden, it took everything from me to suppress a “WHAT THE HELL?!”

I said it anyway.

I don’t understand the life I live. I don’t understand the clothes I wear. I don’t understand the friends I have.

I don’t understand life.

I remember having a long bus ride home with somebody I knew once… telling him my life’s drama. Except it wasn’t my whole life, but the events that followed one summer. And throughout the whole thing, he kept asking me whether or not I heard myself speak sometimes.

I think I came to one of those points where, yes, I finally heard myself. And all I can say is “WHAT THE HELL?!”

“I don’t want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic. I try to give that to people. I do misrepresent things. I don’t tell truths. I tell what ought to be truth. And if that is sinful, then let me be damned for it!”

Blanche DuBois - A Streetcar Named Desire (via battlewithperfection)

(Source: hipstertheatrepictures)

I’m rediscovering why I wanted to do music in the first place.

I know I’ve strayed from this path; strayed far, and too often. But no matter what I do, I keep coming back to it.

While I was in the middle of working on my poetry to include in my anthology, I put on music for inspiration. And for old times’ sake, I felt like putting on some Paramore.

I know it seems kiddish that they would be the band to get me back on track when there are so many others out there who are better…

But it kind of happened. Just like that. Maybe it’s because I was working on pieces I’d written at a time when they were my life’s biggest influence, and things just clicked, but for once it just felt… right.

I’d often write for no other purpose besides creating, but something always felt off. Maybe my intentions weren’t genuine, and due to that, nothing I wrote was genuine. Nothing felt good enough; everything felt so disconnected, and none of it made sense.

I constantly hid myself behind a wall of metaphors.

I always wondered what it would be like if I succeeded at a young age in my pursuit for a career in the arts. And I definitely often told myself (as well as the world) that I was worth something, but failed to prove myself. But I realize now… I just wasn’t ready. Emotionally, mentally…

I’m not saying I’m ready now. I’m not making any claims. But I realize why I wanted to do this in the first place, and I realize why I needed to stray. Who knows; I might stray again, but I know I’ll definitely be back. And the point is, I’m back now. I’ve grown from this experience, and I’m better for it.

I’m not be the best, but I’m a better me. That’s all I could ask for.

I got into York University…

… for both of the programs I applied for. Now I have to go choose one, but right now I’m leaning more towards their Honours iBA French Studies.

(The other program that I applied for was BA Dance).

It’s weird. Out of the two, I thought I would have chosen their dance program, but then I realized that I’ve wanted to get into French studies for quite a while now. But at the same time, I don’t even know if I want to go into full-time studies right now.

I want my career, and I want to work for it now; I don’t want to have to wait. If I go through with this, I will be graduating at age 24, and I won’t even be guaranteed a job by then (who knows what the international economic situation will look like). If I don’t go, I have a possibility of working in the arts sector, but I still will probably want to go back and do French studies; I will, however, probably be too old to be able to easily pick up language if I go the career path.

I know what my heart wants me to do… but I’m afraid of the risks. I also know that I’ll be disappointing people— hell, I’ll disappoint regardless of what I do.

I have to admit, I’m vain.

And in celebration of said vanity, I decided to publish an anthology of my works!

… well, decided that I’m GOING to SELF-publish. I’m not that cool. HAH!

For a few years, I’ve been wanting to publish one of my works; however, I never actually ended up finishing any of the novels that I started writing. With that said, I was looking through my work today in order to create an online writing portfolio, and I realized that I had so many things I had worked on in the past few years, and quite a few of those pieces I actually still enjoy.

So for this week, my goal is to choose, compile, edit, and re-work my collection of written work into an anthology, ready to be published.

Wish me luck! :)